Is this the lonelinest of planets

A couple of days ago I planned to make my way into London to meet a coaching client, as I sat on the train my client called requesting that we reschedule for later that day. I agreed and ended up in a coffee shop come bookstore to kill time. I had lots to do - emails to respond to, reports to write, diary to organise and preparation and reflection on my coaching practice.

As I beavered away I felt someones presence behind me, someone pacing back and forward. It was distracting and a bit off putting, their proximity to me was just close enough to break into my consciousness. I wondered what this person was doing? Why had they decided to pace behind me? I mused that they were waiting anxiously for someone and looking out of the window that was behind me to see if they were on their way.

I am not sure what time elapsed but the next thing I knew, he was speaking to me......"what are you studying?" he asked. The man I saw leaning down to talk to me was probably in his late 30's , he looked gaunt and tired, he had no luggage, just himself, he was clean shaven and seemed clean but disheveled, his jumper was creased, my thoughts were that he was nervous.

I explained that I was not studying, but that I was however scanning a book for an inspirational quote for a client whose last coaching session was also taking place that day. He asked me a lot of questions about what coaching was and how someone would enter the profession, which I dutifully responded to.


I asked what brought him to the book shop...."I am looking for answers, I don't know how to get on here", he said, "I don't know what route to take"

We explored what he liked to do and what he had done before and I gave him some suggestions as to where to start his search for a job and career direction and then I said that needed to get back to work. I don't know how long I spent talking to him, I am guessing 20 minutes, but it may have been just 5, time has a was of tricking me like that.

This man was clearly lost and seeking direction, I felt his loneliness and despair - seeking answers from a stranger in a bookshop. I sensed his projections, he wanted me to hold his hand and guide him, but I have long ago realised that there is only so much I can do. This projections reminded me of a trip I took to Amsterdam years ago, seeing a prostitute in a window for the first time, looking so pretty and so normal, I wanted to rescue her, I wanted to take her home to live with me, I felt that need during the whole weekend trip to do so. Realistically this wouldn't have helped anyone and may have been more about me than them!

But yet, I felt his loneliness as real, I absorbed it like a sponge- I knew that he had nowhere to turn. He went to sit at the back of the bookshop, I still felt his presence and when he left I was talking on my phone, but knew he was gone.

Should I have done more?

Could I have done more?

Do we hide behind the media's message finding excuses not to reach out to each other, strangers may be crazy, on drugs or have less than honourable intentions ?

If everyone this man meets takes 10 minutes to talk to him, guide him, support him, what might happen?

Could you do it, or will you be too busy cocooned in your safe and comfortable world?

What sort of people are we, that revel in our smugness, with the LUXURY of family, friends, work colleagues, coaches, therapist and counsellors. Imagine if there was NO-ONE - no phone calls, no emails, no letters(not even junk mail) Flippantly you may say "that would be a relief", but think deeply....how would you feel...empty? unloved? unvalued?

Perhaps these words from Woodman and Mellick(1998) will resonate......

"Our souls cry out

from underneath the rubble of our lives,

like children who have not known love,

children begging us to day

You are not alone

I love you

So is this the loneliest planet? Well I hope that no where else could be more cruel. I count my blessings, I don't imagine that it is more than luck that I am where I am today and recognise the fragility of my life position.

So if you see me lost one day - will you give me 10 minutes of your time to confirm that I exist again?

Jenny

www.reflexion-uk.co.uk
enabling illumination through reflexion

Celebrating Darkness

The American author Ursula LeGuin said in a speech given years ago

“women grow things in darkness, not in light. It is darkness – with its secrets, earthiness, and joys, with its pains, losses, and despair- that we celebrate”

I found this sentence intriguing and would like to share with you what this means for me and perhaps you may find some resonance in it also?

There are obvious links with birth, the womb, growing life within yourself, but I also think that this sentence holds equal insight for men and women.

For me it is much more about understanding the real source of your strength whoever you are.
My interpretation of what Ursula said is that a woman who takes the time to grow herself in darkness becomes familiar perhaps for the first time with the real source of her strength.

In psychology they talk of the locus of evaluation – the aim through helping professions is often to move someones locus of evaluation from outside in, in other words to stop focussing on what others think of you and start to be concerned of what you think of yourself ! This is often not an easy process.

Instead of feeling dependency for attributes say from a strong mother, or a nurturing friend, or organised father, a spontaneous lover – or the should's, would, coulds from her inner voices or demons she can seek her own strength from within.

I find this sentence emancipatory, it opens opportunities for a love affair with herself, an inner marriage if you like, not in a narcissistic way, where she is in love with her own self image or hubris but rather a feeling of self worth, that of equal, not better than others or secondary to others. For those familiar with the work of Eric Byrne, it is the I'm OK, You're OK position!

This sentence resonates with me I think because I am at a time in my life where I want and need to celebrate the darkness, I have had times, where all thoughts and feelings were out there, my book was open...and there were some good things about this, to converse with others, to bat around ideas, to create something new is a wonderful experience.

I feel that now I often find myself surrounded by those who would wish me to share every thought, feeling, intention and think me strange not to always want to grow myself in the light.

For some of you reading, you may ask doesn’t current thinking encourage us to be open about our thoughts and feelings, yes it does, but I would advocate that there is no need to expose yourself before you are ready?

Readiness is not about being sure, but being robust enough, to be able to be objective enough to consider others feedback without it having the power to make or break who you are!

Consider thoughts, feelings, ideas that you are growing in darkness, are they ready to be brought into the light? If not continue to nurture them in the private place within yourself , not with shame but with happiness. An indulgent place in which can revel in creativity and appreciation of your self. I know that I will.

Jenny Garrett
jenny@reflexion-uk.co.uk
Enabling illumination through reflexion

How many roles do you have?

Through my work and study sometimes I have to stay away from home, my feelings about this are a mixture of relief - looking forward to a break and guilt - being away from my daughter and husband.



After 4 days away recently, my daughter jumped into my arms and was very emotional, when I asked what was wrong, she said that she had missed me soooo much. She proceeded to cling to me all evening and then fall asleep in my arms. I of course felt like the worst mother ever and questioned whether I should have spent time away.



The next day I had agreed to see some girlfriends that I hadn't seen for months, but my excitement at the thought of seeing them was tinged with the guilt of leaving my husband again "holding the baby" while I went out to enjoy myself.



I DID go out and visit my friends and told them how I was feeling like a bad mother and a terrible wife and one of them said " you may be those things, but at least you're a good friend"



This comment cheered me up because I knew it was genuine and heartfelt, it led me to consider the many roles I play and whether I can give myself permission to not always be perfect at them? Weighing up the roles, I thought about how good I was at the roles was dependent on the magnitude of the situation, e.g:



Am I better daughter when my mother is going through a crisis, or is a better to be constant and call her everyday?



Am I perfect wife if I always keep the house perfectly tidy and have dinner on the table, or am able to be supportive when my husband is having a tough time at work?



Am I the best mother if I am self sacrificing and give up the work or study that I enjoy in service of motherhood, or continue to develop and grow?



You, like myself will have many more roles and have to continually decide which ones to prioritorise



Sister

Auntie

Colleague

Lover

Friend

Confidant

Spirit lifter

Sounding Board

Niece

Grandmother

Teacher

Supporter



I think the danger is when we think to start to think about balance, that it is not as simple as that, all roles are not equal and are prioritorised according to the situation. Ultimately the consequences of neglecting one of your roles for a long period is that it may disappear.



Some roles you may perform may not be helpful to either party - such as encouraging someone to be dependent on you?

Why don't you map out your roles, which roles are you spending a lot of time in, is it the right one, who is it serving?

Let me know how you get on

Wishing you clarity through reflection

Jenny

www.reflexion-uk.co.uk

How can high heels help?

I would like to share with you a recent experience of facilitating a short session on attitudes to learning with a group of international students.

I was unaware when designing the session that the Asian women in the group, from Shanghai, China and Japan were not speaking up in group discussions, they would participate when put in pairs but otherwise there would be deathly silence from them.

I chose to use images to stimulate their thoughts and feelings on learning, I chose a range, some abstract, a car, a pair of red high heels, trees, a garden, the sea side, a frog etc. I spread these images across the floor and gave them some time to find an image that resonated with them, when they had done so I asked them to think about how this related to their thoughts and feelings on learning.

I set some ground rules, everyone must speak English and everyone must give each other time to speak and listen.

When everyone had finished thinking, I asked them to speak whenever they were ready about their image.... I was surprised by the results, the wonderful connections that were made and the insights their descriptions gave to their emotional and physical world.

While holding up an image of red high heels shoes - one Japanese woman said

"high heels are a miracle and a milestone in growing up.... they relate to learning in that you learn to walk and then you come of age and need to learn to walk again in high heels, learning is like this, you learn at school but in University you need to know how to learn to differently."

She also gave a fascinating insight into her culture "In Japan the higher your heels, the more power you have" and she questioned whether this should be so.

This woman spoke steadily and eloquently and I was touched by her depth of thought as I was many others.

One of the tutors spoke to me afterwards and said that he was surprised at how the session helped these women to speak, or find their voice, I was also curious about it:

Was it that the images provided protection - they were talking about the images rather than themselves? - therefore minimising vulnerability

Was it that I had set ground rules that everyone would have a space to speak and be listened to?

Was it a perception of me as one of them instead of a powerful tutor? - indeed I also decided to join in with an image when everyone else had spoken

Was this just a way of unlocking what's in your head and giving you a tool to help you articulate it? - this is often what I personally struggle with - a metaphor, a tool to get my point across in a way that is easy to understand and maybe this is why I chose to run the session in this way.

Sometimes we misunderstand each other, or assume because there is silence there is nothing to say, perhaps this experience will help you consider ways in which to bridge this gap.

ps. I did say that I would write about sexual static this week, but this was more current for me, Sexual static will come next week if something else doesn't again take it's place!

Dont be complacent - break those frames!

I have found a modern myth while reading about women leaders, this is that women "naturally" or innately have the attributes, qualities and skills to perfectly equip them to lead in the 21st century.

Yes many women ARE great at networking, nurturing, caring and considering others, but many womens ARE also great at focusing on the task, getting things done and making tough decisions.
Chapters entitled "The female leadership advantage" should leave me elated, but instead they create malaise within me with their generic message. I sought to reconcile this feeling of discomfort with my personal experience. One particular client came to mind from my coaching practice, a senior female leader who struggled with her relationships with men that reported to her, they complained of her task focus and lack of compassion, she had attempted to fit into the stereotypical role of woman as nurturer, mother, listener and found that her work and happiness in her role were suffering, this is the point at which we started the coaching relationship. The client I refer to found that being herself was important and developing some skills around really listening and emotional intelligence were what she needed to develop, rather than the masculine cluster that Feminist scholars note of being :Cultured, Strong, Effective, Responsible and Rational, (Gergen, 1999, p. 108) she was already those things.
Luxuriating in the myth will only serve to set you back, shouldn't men and women be able to flex their approach and have a range of skills?

It's time to start breaking the frames that hold you back?
How do you break frames?

You surface those deep held assumptions

Some I have heard are:

• I shouldn't sing my own praises, if i wait long enough they'll recognise my
  talents

• My skills aren't as good as those who lead in my organisation

• I would have to give up too much to become a leader

• I would have to change (in a way I don't like) to do the job

• I should feel guilty for being at work and not at home, as they cant manage
  without me

• If I am assertive, I will be seen as a pushy woman

• I will loose my femininity if I become a leader.

You need to get to the heart of these beliefs and work out if these are true for you now and then we move forward from a place of insight, rejuvenated and energized to make real change.

Start to break your own frames
Ask yourself:

What is it about being a leader in my organisation that I have decided I cannot do?
What is the reality?
Will I really have to give up my life outside work to get the job done?
What unique skills could I bring to the role?
How could I do it better?
How much more could I influence from a more senior position?
What needs to change in me?
How could I relate better to men, how do I handle the sexual static that occurs between men and women?
What do I need to do to be more visible?
How do I promote myself?
How to I ensure that I am heard and not just dismissed as being emotional?

We are all already "androgynous"- able to be people and task focused, part masculine and feminine, sometimes it's about demonstrating that to others!

Next week - Sexual Static