How many roles do you have?

Through my work and study sometimes I have to stay away from home, my feelings about this are a mixture of relief - looking forward to a break and guilt - being away from my daughter and husband.



After 4 days away recently, my daughter jumped into my arms and was very emotional, when I asked what was wrong, she said that she had missed me soooo much. She proceeded to cling to me all evening and then fall asleep in my arms. I of course felt like the worst mother ever and questioned whether I should have spent time away.



The next day I had agreed to see some girlfriends that I hadn't seen for months, but my excitement at the thought of seeing them was tinged with the guilt of leaving my husband again "holding the baby" while I went out to enjoy myself.



I DID go out and visit my friends and told them how I was feeling like a bad mother and a terrible wife and one of them said " you may be those things, but at least you're a good friend"



This comment cheered me up because I knew it was genuine and heartfelt, it led me to consider the many roles I play and whether I can give myself permission to not always be perfect at them? Weighing up the roles, I thought about how good I was at the roles was dependent on the magnitude of the situation, e.g:



Am I better daughter when my mother is going through a crisis, or is a better to be constant and call her everyday?



Am I perfect wife if I always keep the house perfectly tidy and have dinner on the table, or am able to be supportive when my husband is having a tough time at work?



Am I the best mother if I am self sacrificing and give up the work or study that I enjoy in service of motherhood, or continue to develop and grow?



You, like myself will have many more roles and have to continually decide which ones to prioritorise



Sister

Auntie

Colleague

Lover

Friend

Confidant

Spirit lifter

Sounding Board

Niece

Grandmother

Teacher

Supporter



I think the danger is when we think to start to think about balance, that it is not as simple as that, all roles are not equal and are prioritorised according to the situation. Ultimately the consequences of neglecting one of your roles for a long period is that it may disappear.



Some roles you may perform may not be helpful to either party - such as encouraging someone to be dependent on you?

Why don't you map out your roles, which roles are you spending a lot of time in, is it the right one, who is it serving?

Let me know how you get on

Wishing you clarity through reflection

Jenny

www.reflexion-uk.co.uk

How can high heels help?

I would like to share with you a recent experience of facilitating a short session on attitudes to learning with a group of international students.

I was unaware when designing the session that the Asian women in the group, from Shanghai, China and Japan were not speaking up in group discussions, they would participate when put in pairs but otherwise there would be deathly silence from them.

I chose to use images to stimulate their thoughts and feelings on learning, I chose a range, some abstract, a car, a pair of red high heels, trees, a garden, the sea side, a frog etc. I spread these images across the floor and gave them some time to find an image that resonated with them, when they had done so I asked them to think about how this related to their thoughts and feelings on learning.

I set some ground rules, everyone must speak English and everyone must give each other time to speak and listen.

When everyone had finished thinking, I asked them to speak whenever they were ready about their image.... I was surprised by the results, the wonderful connections that were made and the insights their descriptions gave to their emotional and physical world.

While holding up an image of red high heels shoes - one Japanese woman said

"high heels are a miracle and a milestone in growing up.... they relate to learning in that you learn to walk and then you come of age and need to learn to walk again in high heels, learning is like this, you learn at school but in University you need to know how to learn to differently."

She also gave a fascinating insight into her culture "In Japan the higher your heels, the more power you have" and she questioned whether this should be so.

This woman spoke steadily and eloquently and I was touched by her depth of thought as I was many others.

One of the tutors spoke to me afterwards and said that he was surprised at how the session helped these women to speak, or find their voice, I was also curious about it:

Was it that the images provided protection - they were talking about the images rather than themselves? - therefore minimising vulnerability

Was it that I had set ground rules that everyone would have a space to speak and be listened to?

Was it a perception of me as one of them instead of a powerful tutor? - indeed I also decided to join in with an image when everyone else had spoken

Was this just a way of unlocking what's in your head and giving you a tool to help you articulate it? - this is often what I personally struggle with - a metaphor, a tool to get my point across in a way that is easy to understand and maybe this is why I chose to run the session in this way.

Sometimes we misunderstand each other, or assume because there is silence there is nothing to say, perhaps this experience will help you consider ways in which to bridge this gap.

ps. I did say that I would write about sexual static this week, but this was more current for me, Sexual static will come next week if something else doesn't again take it's place!

Dont be complacent - break those frames!

I have found a modern myth while reading about women leaders, this is that women "naturally" or innately have the attributes, qualities and skills to perfectly equip them to lead in the 21st century.

Yes many women ARE great at networking, nurturing, caring and considering others, but many womens ARE also great at focusing on the task, getting things done and making tough decisions.
Chapters entitled "The female leadership advantage" should leave me elated, but instead they create malaise within me with their generic message. I sought to reconcile this feeling of discomfort with my personal experience. One particular client came to mind from my coaching practice, a senior female leader who struggled with her relationships with men that reported to her, they complained of her task focus and lack of compassion, she had attempted to fit into the stereotypical role of woman as nurturer, mother, listener and found that her work and happiness in her role were suffering, this is the point at which we started the coaching relationship. The client I refer to found that being herself was important and developing some skills around really listening and emotional intelligence were what she needed to develop, rather than the masculine cluster that Feminist scholars note of being :Cultured, Strong, Effective, Responsible and Rational, (Gergen, 1999, p. 108) she was already those things.
Luxuriating in the myth will only serve to set you back, shouldn't men and women be able to flex their approach and have a range of skills?

It's time to start breaking the frames that hold you back?
How do you break frames?

You surface those deep held assumptions

Some I have heard are:

• I shouldn't sing my own praises, if i wait long enough they'll recognise my
  talents

• My skills aren't as good as those who lead in my organisation

• I would have to give up too much to become a leader

• I would have to change (in a way I don't like) to do the job

• I should feel guilty for being at work and not at home, as they cant manage
  without me

• If I am assertive, I will be seen as a pushy woman

• I will loose my femininity if I become a leader.

You need to get to the heart of these beliefs and work out if these are true for you now and then we move forward from a place of insight, rejuvenated and energized to make real change.

Start to break your own frames
Ask yourself:

What is it about being a leader in my organisation that I have decided I cannot do?
What is the reality?
Will I really have to give up my life outside work to get the job done?
What unique skills could I bring to the role?
How could I do it better?
How much more could I influence from a more senior position?
What needs to change in me?
How could I relate better to men, how do I handle the sexual static that occurs between men and women?
What do I need to do to be more visible?
How do I promote myself?
How to I ensure that I am heard and not just dismissed as being emotional?

We are all already "androgynous"- able to be people and task focused, part masculine and feminine, sometimes it's about demonstrating that to others!

Next week - Sexual Static